I just wanna be okay be okay...

Oh after eights! your oh so tasty, must I eat you after eight? squares, or sticks I don't care what form you come in, as long as it ends in me eating you!

Monday the 12th, I had decided that I would not put up my christmas decorations because even though its my favourite time of year it would remind me how fast my final exams were coming. However, I only held out till that wednesday when a friend commented that I didn't do my regular decorating yet...and that was all it took...I realized how silly I was, as not decorating sadly does not freeze time just my view on reality. You see even if I didn't decorate, exams would still come just as fast. So the next day I decorated with ornaments, stockings, a reindeer and two mini trees, but still I was missing having a big tree so I came up with a tree that can fit in small apartments, and anywhere theres a bookshelf!

And last Monday the 19th, I had just finished a 10 page paper thats 40% of my grade and when I went to get it printed my mac laptop went black. I couldn't find it anywhere, not in the computers trash can, not in any file hiding places I could think of, so my husband and I took it too the Mac store thinking Apple will know how to fix it!...the tech guy said that part of my problem was that I was using word and the other was not backing it up...neither answers helped at the time of. When asked if he could fix it, he said that it would cost 200$, would take a week and no guarantee that it would work...there goes three weeks of researcher, and the essay. The stress probably took a year off my life...lol. In the end we bought an online 80$ program called R-Studio that my husband found, which took a few hours to run and after looking through hundreds of files, recovered it! After that incident I backed it up to the google drive app online. Thus, I could continue on with life and not have to back track.  

This stress compressed onto this weeks busy and tiring schedule, however I did the best I could with what energy I've had. Monday (26th) I was able to get to class and take notes, tuesday I was able to clean the house and make dinner, and today wednesday, I gave a presentation to go with my second research paper. Now, I'm exhausted and the weeks not over. From tomorrow I have a week and a few days till my first final exam and I'm praying I do well in studying. But, right now I feel O so sore and pleading with my body to be okay, just be okay. I plead with my brain to fix the body its the CEO of..

The truth is, I've been keeping a deep secret I refuse to say out-loud, cause that would make it real, and I'm not ready for that again. The truth is I've been getting random brutal stabbing pains in my sides that take my breathe away, and they send this nightmire throughout my body as I feel as though my biggest fear is creeping in on me. It's been a good few weeks without them for the first time in four years and I'm scared because I remember that pain all to well. And in the name of being honest I'd like to be my old self again and I'm still trying to find my way back there. It's weird I was there and the hospital rooms, the ER, the pain, the pain, and the horrible feelings of hopelessness it was all real.. and I remember it all too well. I plead with my mind and body from the depth of my soul don't take me back there when I'm just starting to see past the fog of these years. And I know it's not long gone, and the pain is still here but oh I starting to see through the pollution of pain and I started to hope again. May be I was too wide eyed and naive but I can still picture it the feeling of calm in my bones and the clear sky to focus my mind without all the noise. The volume of the pain was turned down for these few weeks and Id do anything not to go back. O lord have mercy don't let me go back. I was as strong as I could be but I'm tired and just want to rest, I just need to rest now.
~ElysiaB

Allowing the tap to drip

Earlier last week I tried desperately to make gluten-free cinnamon loaf, gluten-free bread, and gluten-free holiday sugar cookies all of which failed miserably. I used to love to bake as I felt accomplished in that I could still prove to others I could do something well. Yet, of all my failures the sugar cookies really crushed me as they're my favourite during this season and on a bad day they're sweet n don't hurt me.

On another note, thursday I had to go into a hospital for a colonoscopy, and so today will be a good day as it would have to take a severely drastic turn to be remotely worse than yesterday. However uncomfortable it is to be in a roomful of gassy strangers it was nothing compared to the sedative taking effect slower than usual as they had a hard time placing an IV. All of which making it possible for me to see my insides on the screen. I thought going in I hope they use the IV to knock me out cause the gas was gross for the endoscopy. I immediately regretted that hopeful idea, not that I had a choice in it.

You arrive nervous and fearful because well who wants to go through this? Only desperate people like me. So theres a large waiting area with a pretty painting and I'm waiting with my mom as 12:30 passes and I go check that they haven't missed me. Only to find out that the nurse has been calling the wrong person accidentally. So once I have a gown on and am told to wait at the nurses station, and as I sit I meet a nice elderly Italian women who had flown out from edmonton to get the same procedure done. I wondered why she couldn't have it done out there but it's hard to understand her through her broken english, yet she is kind and says that I am too young to be in a room like this. I agree, and as she leaves, I watch the other patients waking up from procedures and a chatty man talking to a groggy women. I think to myself, I hope no one talks to me after it's uncomfortable and awkward enough and in pain, not only do I not know what to say but I also know I will not have the strength to pretend to be fine and normal to talk to.

 I am brought into the IV room, in the first chairs there is a bald man with a handle bar moustache, he looks like he's in a biker gang. After the nurse is done with him she makes three painfully unsuccessful attempts at placing an IV in my arm. The other nurse that has come to take me to the procedure room gets antsy and causes the nurse placing the IV to feel pressured. The fourth try fails, but the fifth is very very painful as my veins are small, the other nurse is pleased and takes the sedative bag with her while she directs me into a room and onto a bed. The sedative is hooked up to my IV but as they begin it has not taken effect soon enough and I can see the screen that shows the camera and it's showing something similar to those gross pictures on medical websites. I see something weird and asked the doctor what it was and coincidentally the nurse goes to my IV bag and I wake in a recovery room full of gassy strangers.

A 24 year old girl lays in a bed to my right and says how she wishes they gassed her cause she didn't want to see that. I laugh as I roll over and agree I never wanted to see my insides either. We talk about our symptoms and they're the same except that she has chron's and I have who-know's what, to add to my list. She's young like me, she talks of the struggles so similar to mine and I am glad that someone is there to talk to as I wake up. I don't have to act normal, or anything different from how awful I feel because she's just like me. It was refreshing to talk to her and I wished I wasn't discharged so fast n had more time to talk or at least keep in touch. The women to my left was just 28 years old with her husband and he says she has colon cancer. He tells me that she was diagnosed to late because doctors refused to test her for cancer claiming she was too young. It's true she is too young but now she has had to go in for an operation on friday and he tells the nurses that as great as they are he will be happy to not see them again.

Talking with these women who are so similar to me was the first time in a long time that I felt normal again. Which made me realize just how much effort and energy I put into trying to be normal. As well as the first time in a long time that I felt like someone actually did understand how exhausting it is to try and be normal when everything about me feels anything but normal. I left in pain from the procedure which even days later hurts but mostly I left feeling a little relieved because someone understood. It makes me realize how much as humans we need to feel understood and how much kind words can do. Talking with people who go through the same thing and use words like "us" n "we" causes me to remember what it was like to have friends and feel normal I haven't felt included like that in a long time. Too often I've just felt like a guinea pig to doctors and less like a person. "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." -- Albert Camus These words are all too true as I feel exhausted after going to school, or gatherings as I have spent tremendous energy trying to be normal. Which tomorrow I will wake up and do all over again, but I now have something to hold onto, the knowledge that I am understood by those rare people. “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” -- Mother Teresa. I guess it's been a long time since kind words, and understanding were extend my way and so this will echo. Now I am thankful for having met them, and sad to feel alone once again. But it's the little things to hold onto, as they can shine a tiny light to hold onto through all the rest of these foggy wanderings.  

Tomorrow I will pull myself together, mustar up all my strength, paint on a smile, be optimistic, take my pills and go out to mingle in the world to try again. Yet, right now I will sit in uncontrolled pain, worn out emotionally and physically, and exhausted from trying for so long, from bucking up and dealing with it for so long as there is no other option. Its hard and it sucks and for five minutes as I switch from writing this to pushing myself onward to write a paper I will allow myself to feel all that hurts, and then I will turn that tap off because I can't handle feeling that intensity that bubble below my surface. Allowing that tap of raw feelings to flow through me creates some form of control so that the tap can be turned off without bursting. 

in my mind

So I made it through thanksgiving(s), and it seems it's never a good time to go into the hospital but if it were fatal wouldn't that not matter, I mean you would just go. right? Yet, pain and pain seem too similar that I brush off oddities, blood, and I find very good reasonable reasons to not go in like... I had a paper due, midterms coming and a naturalpath appointment that I coundn't afford to miss (literally it'd cost me money), and plus he said he'd look over my whole binder of test results from 2008 and I was hoping beyond hope that he had some ideas.

Which he did because it turns out he has ton of degrees, and thus he supposed to be really smart, but I still had to stop and wonder, when I'm laying on the dr. table and he's putting viles of stuff onto my stomach. Or as he put it into my energy field, and then had me put my arms in the air while he tried to pull them apart.....I guess it could be called muscle testing. Muscle testing is also useful in determining which foods or substances will improve a patient’s health, and which will impede it. Subtle incompatibilities between a patient’s electromagnetic energy field and that of the substance in question can be detected by the naturopathic physician merely by placing the substance in direct contact with the patient’s body and observing the reaction of the key muscle groups involved. If a patient is extremely ill and very weak, the physician may have to rely on surrogate testing to assess a patient’s health using muscle testing. A healthy individual’s muscle reactions will be monitored when he or she is in direct contact with the patient and again when he or she is not. By observing the subtle changes in the healthy individual’s muscle reactions, the physician may gather further functional diagnostic information about the patient. Needless to say I questioned his methods... yet, I don't have better options, I mean I can barely stay out of the hospital and normal Doc.'s got nothin'. So, he told me I have parasites, e-coli, and wheat and dairy allergies, I then bought the medicine he put into my energy field that would work and then paid for the visit and tried it when I got home. However, after he pushed on me, I was sick the whole way back and no matter how bad tasting those drops (I still can't believe I'm desperate enough to try) are, they couldn't take the bleeding n incredible amounts of pain away. So finally, after humming and hawing we went to the hospital. Where they've ceased to help me, again... The first night they admitted me and when putting in the IV they also left multiple major bruises from attempts that didn't work. (I look like I get abused not a great image to come away with) The next day, I was still in a lot of pain and I had to ring the bell 10 plus times before a nurse came to help and when she did she was angry, but I needed pain med's, because it hurt so bad. Although sitting in a bed in the hallway of the hospital directly in front of the ward desk, would give you the vague idea that they'd notice you but surprisingly it didn't help. On one occasion my blood clotted and the IV attachment fell out which bled out a lot, and freaked me right out even more, its like something from a horror film to see my blood coming out of a tube like that....eek. By the fourth day all the tests still either came back negative or contaminated by too many bacteria which is not my fault although the Dr. made me feel like it. On top of which the Dr. also mentioned, that if it was still contaminated on the 3rd try they'd have to put in a catheter...ya, not a good day, to be me. I was praying against it. The next day it was contaminated and lucky for me the Dr. also forgot to come by and say anything about it. Then the fifth day, deciding theres nothing more they can do, because they're not specialists so they discharged me. Thus reasonably depressed, I am now home no better than before, perhaps even worse for wear and tear and extremely frustrated with God as anyone would be in this predicament. I mean where is God when it hurts...he's here making sure no catheter comes near me, thank you! But, I also can't help but be mad with him for not doing anything to stop all of this. The antibiotics have made my mouth have sores which makes eating turn into a painful event, as if it's not enough that braces hurt the eating process. And now thanks to Dr. Naturalpath I also can't eat a longer list of things because to top it all off I now have to avoid dairy and wheat which are in everything.  Not to mention the fact that bread was one of the very few things that stayed down when I ate it. My pain now spasming through out my body whenever I try to do anything, walk, exercise, clean etc., causes more loneliness because illness breeds a lack of socializing already. Thus the fact that I'm bruised, bleeding, throwing up, barely able to get out of bed, as you can imagine slightly impacts a social calendar that was already very meek...and  added to that fun daily routine I have to take a minimum of 7+ medications from the multiple Dr.'s, plus the gross tasting nathuralpathic drops. I can't help but feel frustrated and alone in my situation....but, I'm mean think about it, if it were you, how would you handle that? Your new normal goes from barely functioning and in pain already to a lot a lot worse, would you not be angry or question your beliefs?

I can't help but wonder why some get miraculously healed and I get left.... It seems like after all I've been through during the years before this, I shouldn't have more diabolical things to deal with. And then again I realize how naive that is to even think. What makes me so special that I can think that this is unjust, is it not also just as unjust for people born with worse disorders, I'm not better than them that I deserve answers from him who created me. Yet, I've begged and asked a thousand times for ways that God could help me, or at the very least for him to provide me with the strength to handle this. I understand all the right christianies answers, the doctrine of suffering, and yet, I'm mad because finally I'm so broken that I can hardly stay out of the hospital, I can't eat hardly anything before adjusting my diet and the few things I could eat were mainly of the bread variety so that just cut out almost everything my body can digest...I can't hardly stand or do anything physical, I'm consistently in more pain than medication can even touch, and I am constantly realizing how broken I am compared to everyone else.

When I compare myself to the ominous "them" and how they act like "they" have huge problems but they heal, I apparently don't; Their blood stays where it should be, mine leaks out everywhere it can at random; They are able to hangout with friends, I'm confined to bed more than anything; They can eat, I can barley; There is sooo much for them to be thankful for. Even in jail, they can exercise without hurting, they can eat three meals, they can have friends, and do things, sure its confined but its still pretty good. I know I'm not to compare, and I realize that all of "them" have different lives to lead, different paths they've been asked to walk, different breaking points, different backgrounds, different personalities, different biological DNA. It's hard to tell through all the darkness and, it's so easy to lose focus of what really matters. The truth is none of those comparisons matter, because its as good as comparing an apple to an orange, we're all just far far too different and the truth is if I focus hard enough on my pain and what I go through I can think of a million reasons to be pissed off with God. But, although my world is shaking I can think of so many reasons it is also not his fault, and so many times were his providence has been over my life. So many times when I have cried out in my darkest despratest times, even times when I didn't believe in him at all and was completely against him, he has never left me when I have tested him. When I have called upon him, he has always been there even visibly. You see I can't be mad with him, I have no right, I can not fathom how he created the universe, or know entire life plans and I know without a doubt that he will be there for me, even when I don't understand how.

I can be mad with him, it's allowed and I'll get past it. Its just hard to comprehend what in the world he is doing, and why. I feel like emotionally I've been through enough hard times to last me, but then is it that I have not been through enough physically hard things? It's not for me to say. I know I have unanswered prayers, and I don't understand how to keep going when everything just keeps decomposing. I don't want to be confined to a bed, and I don't see how anything that happens to me will attest to anything as I am unable to get out enough to impact anyone. But through my heartbreak, pain, and anger I know he still has me in the palm of his hands through everything I go through and no matter what happens I know it's not his doing. I know and trust that he knows what he is doing and if he's going to allow it to happen it's for a reason and if he allows it he'll give me the strength to accept it, and to keep going even when it seems like it's only going to get worse. As humans we have to adjust to the fact that we are human, that there will be people in better positions and people in worse. We are human we are afflicted by a great fall of man and if we are to get angry with him or even turn away because we don't understand I feel it is still our responsibility to understand the doctrine of suffering and how it is by no means his doing especially if we are to be walking away from a God of Love because we don't understand how there can be such awful events that happen in the world. I can be angry because I don't understand but, even angry as I am I won't deny how great and good a God he is. I know that he loves me for me not for what I have done, or who I will be, I know he wants good for me and I know the pain is deep, but not deep enough to keep me from my faith in him. Faith is not easy its not meant to be, and at times its a fight because I want control, I want to say how dare you leave me like this but the thing about control is its an illusion. We play a blame game when we feel afflicted, and we never blame the right person, when we blame the one who loves and made us, it is misdirected blame. If I control my life it will not go well, and he will let me have my way, but I've given up on control as faith is stronger. It's blind faith at times when the future looks this bleak but, without blind faith where would trust fit in.

little bright lights throughout the possibly cracked tunnel

Last week I ended up back in the hospital from thursday to saturday which suffice to say was not fun. So seven hole and bruise from needles, a stint on too many hard drugs, and an added drug to my collection, later I am no better. I went in because I seem to have an awful stabbing sensation on the lower right of my abdomen which the walk-in dr. the week before said to go in if it got worse because likely they would have to take a second organ, my appendix. Yet, I'd been avoiding the hospital even the though the pain is unbearable, it was an issue with bleeding that brought me in. Reasonably I figured blood equals important enough to not mess around with. Originally, the Dr. (who in his case was reasonably nice which is note able) didn't think they'd have to keep me so I acquired some nasty needle in the lets say side cause it sounds a lot nicer....there are now purple bruises...which if you've never had one, imagine the feeling of someone playing darts on you. It's not fun. At first I naively thought allowed "wow, that really hurt but wasn't as bad as an IV" now this could have been because I was just very excited they didn't want to hook tubes up to me and get me drugged right up. Well, that lasted maybe a half hour before they decided that I was still in a lot of pain which almost always equals the tubes. I didn't want to be tubed...but they did. And to my dismay the nurse looked at my arm with it's tiny veins and decided right below my thumb was a good spot to put it. I kindly warned him that, that wasn't a great spot as it normally doesn't work out or work for very long. It's the most painful for me, as it either takes a few tries, slips out which means a re-do, or is painful every time I move. Yet, he didn't listen and assured me, who has experience with my body, and IV's that it'd be okay....it slipped out the very next day. So now that I was hooked up on a Saline (In medicine, saline is a general phrase referring to a sterile solution of sodium chloride in water but is only sterile when it is to be placed parenterally, otherwise, a saline solution is a salt water solution. so..water for hydration) and Hydro-Morphine which is 6 times stronger than normal morphine, and deciding to keep me, sent me up to the overflow unit which was barely functioning with 8 patients and two nurses who mostly talked about tires..... Any who, they decided to send me for an ultrasound in the morning which was normal, although I don't know what they thought they would find by missing the appendix altogether which I thought was the whole point in even coming in, and staying... The lady doing it seemed in a hurry at the time I can't say I thought it would show anything after she rubbed it quickly over the wrong area n sent me out. Yet, the second time she got the appendix and it showed nothing, same with the blood work. So after switching me over to a new pain medication and then sending me off with an at home test and prescription for it at home they sent me on my way.

So, I have a colonoscopy date to check for Crohn's on Dec.10th and a formal diagnosis of Hashimoto's,  Endometriosis, and Fibromyalgia. The last of which isn't very conclusive at all as Fibromyalgia a very really pain disorder but is also a catch-all disorder which really just means that if you've suffered with undiagnosed chronic pain you too can be diagnosed now with Fibromyalgia as it is unknown what is causing the pain. It is know that there are three types of causes that initially started the pain but, still no idea why it's there. Thus, it's probably the least satisfying thing to get diagnosed with because it's saying we know you've been suffering with extreme pain we don't know why, but this catch-all phrase will make you feel better kinda like a Dr. giving you a metaphorical sucker and hoping it'll make you feel better and stop asking what's causing the pain. At least thats how it feels.

Monday and today have shown that the blood is back.. Which is either bad or bad, yet I can't get around not wanting to go back but we'll see how long that lasts for the pain worsening and all. I can't help but think that even though theres blood it alarmed the Dr. but didn't show anything, all the tests were normal, and they did release me, so how bad can bad be? and when is blood too bad? Days of it, weeks of it, or months? It kinda confuses me and makes me think that in spite of the pain I might be able to either last with the blood without going back, or wait till it shows something else. Because either way nothing other than over-drugging, and painful blood tests and IV's will come of it...and if it's just pain and no answers I have a rather hard time returning when I'm in enough pain for one small body on my own thanks. I definitely don't need to be pushed over the edge with needles and drugs. Having been in there, I kinda think they made me worse like a catch and release fish they reeled me in thinking they could help then hurt me and let me go. Now I have the same pain in the side worsening, with head pains, hip pains, bruises, holes from IV's and various attempts at getting an IV in, which mind you takes double as long to heal, and on top of it all the sniffles. Which have been keeping me up till 4AM then waking me at 5, 6, 7, etc. cause I can hardly breathe. I'm falling apart like a raggedy Anne doll...it's not good and it's all I can do to try and plug away at school. In which I have history papers due every monday, a 450 page book to read and write an essay on for next week, and the start of midterms the following week after that......so extra pain + sniffles + blood + midterms and papers + lack of sleep = very very sick and tired of being sick and tired...getting tireder....sometimes it feels like it'll all collapse in on me eventually, yet rationally it can't. Because, the worst that could happen is I'm hospitalized, which could mean answers and pain, or just pain but even then it's inevitable that I'll get out again. And so I am determined to get through... it will be okay, not because it is okay but, because it must be okay, and eventually it will... it's as inevitable as pain is that it will also be okay in spite of it all.

And Thanksgiving with turkey and family is coming up, I love family, and holidays! Have I mentioned I'm a huge huge fan of holidays and traditions so thanksgivings something small to at least look forward too! Plus, almost even more exciting which I realize is ridiculous,  Pillsbury dough boy has halloween cookies out!!! which I'm eating!!!! YAY!!! they have cute little ghosts on them.. it's important to remember that it's the small bright things that matter :) I'm also equally stoked that after halloween which equals candy, comes CHRISTMAS which equals christmas train, christmas lights, snow, and that cozy friendly feeling that gets in the air! And sipping hot coco while picking out christmas trees to cut down and, then decorating it!! And decorations being hung in all the stores! But above all family traditions I love! And although I'm huge about holidays I still think it's weird when some one gets ahead of the times and sings a christmas carol in my class, I mean come on that's so out of order, your skipping other great holidays.

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When I got out of the hospital my husband got me roses, which he even biked all the way I don't know where to get, very sweet. As we still have yet to get a car..and now they're roses that I get to admire that much more in the wee hours of the night as I sniffle along :) Also note worthy, our cat Snuffleupagus has become a lot sweeter now that her fleas are gone, she's always happy to jump through the shower window and greet me in the morning and throughout the day. As is her BFF Panda Bear the fat black cat, who has a hard time getting through the window but once in enjoys snuggling in my lap. Now, don't think I'm a cat person cause I'm not, but I love these two :) they're keeping me company when I'm in bed in pain and I enjoy that sooo much cause they curl up in little cute balls, or chase each other around the shower curtain.

And now I must must return to that darn textbook I'm avoiding.
~ElysiaB

PS support is always needed :)

if you can't handle the truth don't read this

Life continues around me and my head is beginning to hurt from all the constant swirling changes. which is partly why I haven't posted in a little bit. I just don't want to think about everything that's going on. But I also can't avoid it and that is all to evident as life continues on wether I want it to or not. On the 6th it was my husbands birthday and I couldn't afford to get him anything, which made me really sad. But a few people called to wish him well and we went in to vancouver for a nice dinner with his dad and then today we went out with his mom for his birthday. Something just seemed off this year though as the celebration did not nearly compare to other birthdays in the past it was rather on the lacking side. Which I wish I could have done something about but it was out of my hands. However following this on to the 8th our car met its untimely doom. As it was wandering along attempting to do a good deed and a manhole cover popped out of nowhere and smoked the front frame of the car. The poor car was so embarrassed as it had just had the airbags scared out of it. So, needless to say life has become more interesting and challenging, for us to try and figure out life without a car. And then also to figure out how much money that we will go in debt further to get another car as the ICBC guy called to say the engine collapsed, and hopefully he'll tell us soon how much they'll give us for it. Which has made me come to the realization that it will be weeks before we can find a car. Which has further caused me to worry about getting to my first classes, but mainly getting to my ubber important appointment with the pain specialist last week. As well as up coming appointments and classes. My aunt and uncle were overly generous in letting us borrow their extra car and I can't say enough how much that has helped us, not only in getting around but mainly in worry over how I would get around.

The lack of a car has proved us with an interesting learning experience to see how people respond to seeing others in need of help. Some upon hearing are compassionate and jump in, some hear and are almost glad and then proceed to talk about how amazing they are doing and still some just have a tough love approach that makes you feel guilty for mentioning it. I've learnt from these that compassion and understanding is rare, and that is what I would most like to emulate in the future when I see someone else in need. It is not helpful to tell someone who has just shared their loss with you to proceed about your good fortune as it leaves them feeling worse about their hardship. Just as it does not help to take the tough love approach for the same reasons. We get that life is not supposed to be easy and that everyone struggles so there is no need to be tough on us for it. Tough love is an approach that is only appropriate in few circumstances, and I think although people hopefully mean well when they take that a approach I would caution that you first look to see if it is necessary. As well even if you are not up to helping, you can help by being understanding which has been a very rare thing. These days it seems people are quick to judge and slow to feel empathy, which at times is rather hurtful as I feel it was un-necessary. In these moments I am not so bold as to say anything as I do not want start something I do not have the energy for, and I realize to that saying something about it would be out of character for my nature I do not like conflict and would rather ignore the insult than deal with it. I guess I'm just realizing that with the lack of energy its not about picking your battles as much as it is choosing what is worth all the energy of taking a stance, arguing about it, going through everything just to get to reconciling..I don't have the energy for it at all. So, I let it go even if it really hurts or bothers me as it will hurt more to  go through what it would take to mention it. Since I have been sick I have notice this as a large change in my nature. Not to say that I was big on arguing but I was big on standing up for myself, where as now I recoil from the circumstances that would put me in those situations in the first place. With an autoimmune disorder thats triggered by stress, I notice that dealing with issues causes me to be physically sick for weeks and its just not worth the decrease in health even to have other understand how they hurt you, I'd prefer to try and get past it on my own to save energy and injury. This could also be effected by the intense pain I feel regularly enough that tears flow far to easily now as it takes a lot to be in this physical pain and not cry that emotional pain hurts the tip of an iceberg. But, then again I don't like conflict in the first place and don't have the energy to play head games, thus if passive aggressive behaviours get to me, I'm inclined to just decrease my attendances with those people to save pain, which I must admit causes some loneliness at times.

My body just can't handle much, as is it feels like everything I eat not only upsets it but reacts in a thunder storm of pain in my stomach and intestines all the way out in which case it either comes up which is less pain or otherwise exits in an untimely, and extremely painful process. When I went to see the pain specialist after a year and a half of waiting, (man that's just wrong to wait so long) the Dr. told me that I have one of three types of fibermyalgia, for which he has put me on Lyrica which is a strong pain medication. I have yet to notice a difference but it's only been five days, and some drugs take awhile to notice. He also put me on Dicetel to help with the incredible intestinal thunderstorms I have, although a few days after I saw him, I saw a gastroenterologist who I have waited longer to see and he said that the thunderstorms could be cause by Chrohn's which would explain the high ANA tests, for which he said Dicetel would be used to treat. The pain specialist also said that he wants me to go see a neurofeedback specialists, dietician, and another Dr. whom he works with that will inject my back with a type of anesthetic to help ease the intensity of the pain to which I am feeling right now. I pray so often that God would take the pain away and now I pray that he'll just help me through today as right now the pain is far far too much to bear, and pain disorders magnify the feeling of few understanding and even fewer being around as it's hard to build friendships when pain breads isolation. I am sorry this is not a happier post, it's just raw life right now, and the truth is it hurts unimaginably.

~ElysiaB
 

Vacation from me

There is a time for everything, a time to push past the pain and a time for recovering, a time for pushing through and a time for relaxing. When exercising you may start to feel a bit of a burn, but thats nothing compared to the burn and soreness that floods a few minutes after you stop exercising. Similarly when studying for exams you push through the stress and exhaustion, and then finally get sick when you rest. That is a very minor comparison to how I feel today, as I have just gotten back from a wonderful vacation. Although health wise, I am now in bed with shooting electric pains through all my joints, accompanied by fiery throbbing in all my muscles, and many many intense stomach and back pains. This is the price I pay for pushing my body harder than it can take. All the while the week leading up to the trip I had a UTI and a lymph node infection, that I took antibiotics for. Although I continued to have a lot of pain during the trip I refused to go to a Dr. as it doesn't make sense when they don't know my history and I do have an appointment coming up next wednesday with the pain specialist I've been waiting a year plus to see. So I am still attempting to hold out until next wednesday regardless of the pain as I know this specialist may understand, may send me to other specialists faster, and will all around be better than seeing any other Dr. that doesn't know my history, symptoms, or the pain of it all. But mostly, I just have an all around lack of faith in the average Dr. as they have hardly proven to be reliable, along with their offices that set up appointments but handout the wrong date or other information. Seems everything gets muddled, and sad when I go to see them so I don't unless I absolutely have to, in which case I'd still prefer to let it get worse in hopes of revealing the real source of the pain. I'd almost rather handle the pain of letting the symptoms worsen then go to see an average Dr. that doesn't have a clue what he's looking at and assumes it's nothing. At least letting it worsen comes with perks of getting fast tests done, and pain medication, I just don't have time to waste talking to a Dr. that won't believe me. Thus the vacation was a great time to relax along the water and that was much needed.

First we went to Vancouver Island and went camping, biking and walking all over Victoria. Next we went to Salt Spring Island and stayed in a small cottage on St. Mary's Lake, where we lounged inside reading, playing games, had a fire outside and even went kayaking. To finish it off we continued on to the family cabin on the coast and went for long walks and even an 8km hike. And it would be an understatement to say I'm feeling it now. However I am very proud of myself for pushing hard to do the things I wanted so badly to be able to do, as I haven't hiked or biked in a very long time and have never tried kayaking all by myself. There is so much of my life that is controlled by pain and I miss greatly the abilities I had before all this illness to enjoy the outdoors with all sorts of energy. So when I get the opportunity to go out and attempt to still enjoy the outdoors I have to take it for so much of my time is spent ill and sore. If it costs me a week in bed it is well worth it as I know I have pushed my body hard and done my very best. I wish I could do these kinds of activities a lot more regularly and if it were up to my mind I would, but sadly my body's wellness plays a large part in what I am capable of. For now I return to my studies, having registered for classes yesterday and already gotten ahead as I have gotten the notes ahead of time from other students and read part of a textbook.  I feel as though I am managing the non-pain areas of life a bit better for the first time since my gallbladder was removed. In a way it was a vacation from me, as when I am pushing my body to it's limit's and some, I feel like the fun person I was with a bit less energy, but just as happy as I was being outside and enjoying life.

~ElysiaB